Never feel bad for stepping away from situations and people that do nothing but tear you down and make you question your own sanity and self-worth. It may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, and there certainly have been days in the past that I wished I had blood-family, but the truest love I have ever found is in the family and environment I created and chose—-and it’ll always be 1000x worth it to have made those bold moves.
Sometimes I want to write about what I’ve had to endure over the years, but it wouldn’t serve much purpose. But the turmoil, the pain, the suffering—-some people say hurt people hurt people. Yes. But. Hurt people also have the capability of healing and stopping the cycle, and transmuting that suffering into something SO much greater.
The day I realized this, I remember so clearly. My mom was keeping my daughter from me on Mother’s Day, years ago. My sister was going out to visit, and extended the message that I wasn’t to be there. (This story probably doesn’t make sense without context, but that’s a whole other writing for another day.) It was the final straw that broke me, after years of abuse and hatred from those that were my “family”, and still years more to come. Some of the deepest hurt comes when those who are supposed to love us the most don’t. It devastated me, broke me. I had years more to go through at my mother’s hand, much of it much worse, but that was the day it all broke—-but I couldn’t even be mad. It instead made me feel like I wanted to be the mother that I know so many never had. That I never had. To my own children. My own family. To strangers. To whoever needed it. It solidified so deep a love in my heart that I often don’t even know what to do with it on most days. But I know this: people are hurting so deeply, even more so than what I’ve experienced in my life and I know this. And they all need and deserve love. Healing. An embrace that tells them the past no longer matters. That they ARE enough. YOU are enough.
The world needs healing. The world needs love. We can choose to be a part of the hurt. Or we can choose to be a part of the healing. That starts with healing ourselves.
Whatever you’ve been through, know this: you ARE NOT hard to love. It is SO easy to love you. You are beautiful and perfect, despite the circumstances of your life. It doesn’t even matter the details of your life. Whatever you’ve done or what has been done TO you. You’re not messed up. You’re not all the ugly things that have ever been said to you, or even perhaps that you’ve told yourself. You are exactly who You are supposed to be, even if you haven’t seen it yet. Felt it. Experienced it. You are more than capable of being loved. Feel that love. Embrace that healing. It’s always there.