This morning I asked Billy to take Sanji for about thirty minutes so I could sleep a little more—I was just exhausted and could not stay awake. Almost as soon as I was “asleep”, I began to have this experience:
I was in the “dream state” but not really. Almost like I was an external person inside my body, just witnessing. I’m not sure I can explain it. My body began vibrating with so much energy and SO powerfully, with more and MORE energy, higher and higher, it became a high-pitched “hum” frequency—still going higher and higher! SO high and SO strong and SO powerful, I kept feeling like my body was going to just burst! I could feel it with every atom of my being! With it I felt such an intense light, and such inexplicable joy! As if the energy was just PURE JOY filling me until I would explode!
At those moments of feeling on the verge of my body exploding, I would get a little scared and would hold back, but then also I wanted to know where this would take me so almost immediately would let go again. I didn’t want to control it or throttle the experience. Higher and higher, as high as frequency can “hum”. I couldn’t “see” light, but FELT light, as if maybe I were light. Then at that point I would be instantly transported to a place from my teen years, where I experienced much darkness and many miracles—overfilled with joy! Bursting with light and nearly exploding! Such a beautiful and peculiar feeling! Yet somehow it feels so unsatisfactory to put words on this experience—it really does it no justice. But why was I transported to this particular place? I have no idea what this experience even means but I freely receive, let it flow. I write this because I want to be reminded of this beautiful overpowering joy and intense frequency, always, if possible. Something happened but I don’t quite know yet…
It reminds me of a moment I had with Sanji a couple nights ago…
I had been explaining to Billy that since giving birth and having had this “god experience” that all of life felt different. I don’t find joy in typical things. My daily things no longer give me enjoyment. In fact, I haven’t even been interested in my usual things, such as indulging in social media apps, doing things on my phone, watching TV shows or movies, etc.—-even food tastes different and I’m never really interested in food anymore, and haven’t experienced a single hunger or full signal since then. But I KNOW I have to eat to support my body, especially being that I’m breastfeeding, so I’ve been enticing myself to eat by keeping snacks and frozen dinners and even some so-called “junk” foods on hand. Just to have some calories. Sometimes I become aware that my body feels “ravenous” or has a craving, but never hunger.
I was speaking to Billy about all of this and even discussed the possibility of postpartum depression, but I’m just NOT a depressive personality. I don’t feel like I’m “depressed” at all—-though certainly I’ve had a few “low” hormonal moments of crying about nothing. No big deal! But after sitting with it all, I realized that the reason I find no enjoyment in the “normal” things is because they mean nothing to me anymore.
That day I wrote this to Billy:
🔘 I find no enjoyment in worldly/daily things. I hunger only for that connection and spaciousness again. My only goal in life is that.
🔘 [Billy] mentioned earlier that maybe my “depression” is a part of my awakening/experience when Sanji was born…
🔘 In the “enlightenment” or “awakening” or “unification” process, once there is stillness, the mind still exists and is still there, but doesn’t know what to do.
🔘 Like, there’s stillness. There’s no “enjoyment” of things, so the mind questions WHY, because it’s not “normal”, but the experiencer doesn’t need “enjoyment”.
🔘 For example: there’s chronic and excruciating pain in my body, and the mind says there’s something to be done about it, but the experiencer (the so-called “me”) sees it as part of the experience and just works around it. It’s just THERE like a bump on a log. It simply exists.
🔘 There’s no hunger or fullness because the experiencer NEEDS nothing—-the mind says there’s something wrong, but the experiencer is aware of the body’s periodic ravenous need for food, so chooses to find a meal. No need for hunger cues.
It was the night of this conversation that I had Sanji in his swing and I was sitting with him, talking to him, playing with him before bed, and I began to feel this soulful connection, so I was telling him about it and how beautiful his soul was. I told him I recognize him. I know who he is. And suddenly he and I connected in a way I’ve experienced before with Billy by a fire so many years ago. For lack of better word, I can only call it “instant dharma transmission”. He felt my words and I could see it—in this transmission, I just started crying, and then uncontrollably laughing! This laughter lasted about 5 minutes straight! It was the most beautiful experience of my life. In this moment, I questioned “who here is the teacher?” 🙏🏼❤️✨